Alexander's

For the last one and a half years my whole life has been centered on going back to Todai.

At first everything went perfectly well. Not only was I accepted at the university, no I also managed to score the best scholarship that I know of and my professor was even encouraging me to apply for a research assistant position.

And then -- partly due to my own fault, partly due to unlucky external circumstances -- I missed my first deadline in October. It felt like my world was breaking away under my feet, but to my great surprise and delight it soon became clear, that I still had a second chance to go in April.

Now six months later I myself finally decided to cancel my application.

I know there are many other options and I can pursue other paths. Considering my future it (probably) was the right thing to do.

So why do I wake up several times at night, wishing I was back in Japan?
Why do I still feel like throwing up every single morning?
Why would I prefer a flat that is not even half the size of one of my rooms now?

I'm sure things will become normal again. I just wish it would happen faster. I finally want to be able to smile again -- for real, not only about memories from Japan.